Hopeless Prisoner of Loneliness

I'm playing Russian Roulette every time I eat. And more often than not the chamber is loaded.
< =-(**!!

Me at my desk 2:11p.m.
Doing paint swatches for my watercolors
2012

Death Pains Try 1

This life line is growing short
This corpse is growing cold
There's so much more, projects, ideas, and all I want to do
So many stories I have left untold
But like birth death comes
and like birth I'm having death pains
and it'll come,
Death will come.

I do not mean to leave
I do not mean to cause pain
I do not mean to cause grief/ make everyone grieve

Oh please,
dear sous please
I beg you to accept me,
these,
Small snippets I have uploaded
for they are all of me, my few accomplishments

My kidney's are enlarged
I'm working really hard
to stay alive, despite the pain inside
my back is shot
my guts have gone to rot
from the age of 12, when I used to scream and yell
begging all adults around, for a cure,
but they refused to hear
denied I was even ill
I'm dying now because of my “inadequacies”
my inabilities to pay my doctor bills,
these damn quacks call me a hypochondriac
refuse to look inside, would rather deny
because of my poverty
and yet they still charge me,
for work they have not done,
diagnoses they refuse to render,
healing they do not have,
they are the ones that lack
yet they point the blame at me
for their pompous ignorance, self righteous inadequacies,
why do they expect us patience to bow,
if they want that title and treatment
then they better be worthy of it,
become Omnipotent,
until that day they can even wipe away the saying Dr. heal thyself
they are human, ignorant and therefore fallible,
just as the people they are taking money from
and remember the Hippocratic Oath?
I shall receive no gifts nor payments for my services rendered?
I do this in service to others?
And I work another job for my pay,
to keep myself alive and continue to strive to cure all that are in need of my services
This was the first thing to be thrown away/out the window
but this poem has gone astray,
I did not mean for it to go this way.

I may be neurological disease
but that doesn't mean I don't know what's going on around me.

Step outside the bubble
wish that there were cures for my ills
instead of doctors lies and pills

go get so high
no mater how far you trip it'll never give you
a perspective like mine

I'm not a writer
I don't report to be
I just have some stories inside of me
that I need to get out
and I want you all to read
and hope you can understand me.

Don't check out with out a shout
Don't leave everyone with their jaw dropped
wondering why.
Why did you turn the lights out.
So speak out, shout, let everyone know
Why and how, when you intend to go
So that we can deal with it
while you're still alive my friend.
Say your goodbyes,
while you still have your mind,
and give us the chance to mend, what we can,
while you're still coherent enough to understand.
So please hear my pleas to everyone that sees, this video now
Don't check out with out a shout
Say something before you're final bow,
it'll save us survivors, the leftovers,
the rubble charred to dust
the cause, the reason, the why,
some sort of soothing in the waking of the dawn,
when we had to wake up and realize,
you were gone.

Thank You

Tues. 9/1/2015 
3:37a.m.
 

This had to do with some YouTube Videos I wanted to make which I'll never have the chance to do now. =-( I figured I'd go ahead and post this anyway, since it was in my poetry book.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a very private and terminally shy person.
I take my privacy very seriously.
I don't want to be bothered or watched really.
I've been very sick for a long time now.
And thankfully it's gone in waves as I call it, where I'm sick for a while then well for a while.As if late my periods of being well have been what I call sickly. 
I'm no longer truly restored, much less feeling good during the periods of being “healthy” so to speak.
And it's once again looking like I'm going down hill and I hopefully am not, I might be getting the call that my table is ready, so to speak. But I realized something, I realized that if I don't do this, make these videos, before I pass away then I'll die unsatisfied.
I finally had to face this, that I HAVE to do this.
So I'm making videos about all the stuff that I need to say, that's important to me. I just hope no one watches these. It'll save me from a ruined life and a whole lotta heartache.


 

I'm feeling so dead
Life sucked outta me again,
                   (this lifeline is growing short
                    this corpse is growing cold)
ghost, Ethereal, I'm becoming
immaterial,
Have no strength to clench my fists
grab onto the tendrils, the wisps,
                   (there's so much more to finish)
mist,
Is this the afterlife?
Or are these tears in my eyes?
What will everyone say if I suddenly pass-away and die?
Will they still be telling their lies?
Say it was all in my mind?
The symptoms I listed a billion times,
Instead of salvation they gave me
bills,
to cure my ills,

I do not mean to leave
To cause everyone to grieve
But like birth death comes,
(it's happening now)
and it's giving me death pains,
(listless)
But as I fade away
I'm going out with the loudest shout,
(exhale, a mere whisper)
In the only way I know how,
through these small snippets,
my few accomplishments,

So please accept these
(which is me)
And be kind in what you speak,

For this is my soul
that you
see

So double, triple, quadruple think before you comment or say
anything on this page
because I do not want to fade away in dismay