Hopeless Prisoner of Loneliness

~~~~~~~A rambling, unedited response.~~~~~~~

"I don't mean to give my life story, but sometimes it just happens."

-Me

A/N Beginning:

I'm posting this here in hopes that it helps someone else. Maybe through speaking about it someone else may be helped or at least have the people in their life read it and bring them to a bit better understanding of what their going through. It might get the people around you and everyone talking and help out those who are suffering like I have.

P.S. – IF YOU FIND THIS HELPFUL AT ALL THEN   C O P Y     T H I S!!!    AND SPREAD IT AROUND! Put it in every website you know, link back to it, what have you!

I WANT-heck NEED this to be spread far and wide to help as many people as possible, whoever they are where ever they are.

I know some of it may be hurtful and I don't mean for it to be, I only mean to HELP and do my best to explain what I've been through and where I'm coming from, and through this SOOTHE HEAL and possibly do my best to get the word out, THAT OUR SOLDIERS AND OTHERS DEALING WITH PTSD and UNDIAGNOSED HEALTH AILMENTS ETC. NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, NOT CONSIDERED NUTS ( cause their NOT) and HELPED.

THANK YOU ALL =-)

(Also, if this story might help then spread it around, Oil http://archiveofourown.org/works/1347706/chapters/2811697

I hope it will do far more then just being stuck in the realms of Fan Fiction and read by only the few and far between, and then only those who are into that particular kind and type of Genre-Fan Stuff/SGA And if ANYONE AT ALL is willing I'd VERY MUCH like to turn this into HELPING EACH OTHER IS THE ONLY THING WE HAVE.

a INDEPENDENT PUBLISHABLE STORY that I can get out there to help even more. =-) !

Heck I'd like to raise money and make it FREE for anyone wanting to read it, right now the only way that is possible is through this Fan Fiction site. =-) )

Comment on Oil

1. niffer on Chapter 9 Tue 20 May 2014 02:33AM EDT

You asked what made your story seem different:

I don't think I've read such a realistic and painful experience as Rodney is having with the cancer. Some good stories out there with him dealing with cancer, but its been, "oh he had chemo today and had the barfs, and he's really bald now", but there's not the depth of feeling, the utter shitty-ness and horror of someone dealing with cancer like you've portrayed. John's PTSD is pretty spot on also. I have a son who has PTSD from serving 2 tours in Iraq, so this is something I'm familiar with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started responding and it became so LONG decided to post this here, I hope it helps those out there still (or newly, old hat, etc.) suffering and at the very least lets you know you are not alone, I am just like you and many are also.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If there was something better and far more deep and profound that I could say then THANK YOU SO MUCH I would; for the moment though I am at a loss of words and the only thing I have is THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE. (Sorry for being so repetitive, I just can't think of what else to say at the moment, I'll try to get better at that ;-D )

I have been through some very terrible things in my life and was diagnosed with PTSD so I know what it's like. I had a TERRIBLE case of it here in 2007 or so and it lasted for a good five years. It DOES FADE, but it takes time, healing and for me a loss of memory, sadly. At this point in my life I'm thinking the fading away it's biological, the body grows older and is just not capable of reacting to things like it used to, or that's at least what has happened with me.

And I also know, from the household I'm from, what it's like to deal with sick people. My niece, while I was going through some really tough stuff (my poor sister too) was born and was EXTREMELY ILL, she was for two years on her death bead from birth. I had to care for her the first two years of her life and during that time at least the first year year and a half my poor sister was trying not to die as well. I took care of her child while my poor parents (my Mom basically) took care of my sister, so I know what it's like to not sleep ( be allowed to or able to out of terror for someone dying) for an extended period of time. I had to basically "been on watch" you could say, making sure my poor niece was still breathing and alive. She couldn't even cry properly, her "wails" were entirely silent (and she's mute as now thankfully a pre-teen) so I was required to stay awake, constantly checking and keeping my ears SHARP and OPEN 24/7 just to make sure she didn't choke and whatnot.

Also I've been EXTREMELY ILL my whole life with gut troubles, sadly no doctor has taken this seriously and I have nearly died MANY times over =-(!.

So this is where I'm getting the knowledge of the illness from and also John's PTSD.

I have read on a few websites about soldiers PTSD and I'm shocked and a bit surprised to find how similar it is. The sleepless-ness, the inability to calm down/ constantly living off adrenaline, the being awake and alert at all hours. Things just "tipping you off" as I call it, "Triggers" I guess you could call them also. The literal, being "There" instead of here. Literally seeing, feeling, smelling even the other place or time that you were in. Having to GROUND yourself by tactile sensation in the here and now in order to just get your mind to realize your HERE, N O T THERE, and that what you're experiencing is not happening. I've even had one TERRIBLE episode where I was literally "Seeing ghosts" as I called them, where I saw and FELT the people and places from before. They were white as ghosts, pale in color and obviously translucent, playing over the reality, the here and now. Like … have you seen these videos or Wall papers where one image is transposed over another, the tow playing simultaneously?

Yeah, that's what I saw and FELT. At the time I had this happen it was raining out and I had to literally get outside and get down and FEEL the ROUGH concrete beneath my hands and go out into the rain and FEEL the rain on my skin, then sit there like that out in the damn rain for a good 45 minutes before it started to fade away. My Mom and brother found me and my brother started in, saying I was lying, faking it, messed up and what not. My Mom THANKFULLY (was worried, didn't want me to get sick etc. ) but “understood” to the best of her abilities and let me be for a good 30 minutes before she tried to talk to me and get me to come in. I still couldn't and had to wait till I was ready.

Sadly my younger brother watched me go through all this and didn't understand, he really picked on me HARD and he along with my sister told me to quit acting so damn strange and weird, quit being a mental case. They both ended up deciding I was bat shit NUTS =-(! and still don't understand (Thankfully though my brother is a bit better understanding, if still not giving and still HARSH, but at least he's not like he was >X-P! It's all thanks to this article: The R Word http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/features/9766-The-R-Word If it wasn't for this he would STILL be “ragging on me” >X-P! )

(This is where I got the neighbors and strangers not understanding John and judging him harshly. And also how and why he didn't want to tell them anything, for telling, talking about it literally causes the mind to relive the experiences. I had flashbacks at first when I started trying to write about it and found that for me this was NOT the way to deal with it. BUT I've come to find that I can deal with it through escapism, and “Other means” meaning, I can and NEED to talk about it whether it be through writing or what have you but the ONLY way I have been able to face it and deal with it has been through FICTION and the most fictional for me has been Sci-Fi, and Alien stuff. My Dad is going through that now with his going head first into Alien Abductions, for he himself went through some TERRIBLE things while he was in the navy. =-(! )

I've finally come to learn telling someone, anyone to “get over it” or “just be happy”, “Quit being so depressed” etc. etc. is like telling a mentally handicapped person to “Quit being retarded” it's just flat out … well, DUMB ( and INSULTS your own mental capacities. Basically anyone who says this is straight out stating that they are to unintelligent or ignorant, even ill-educated to understand what is going on or is wrong. So it's more HUMILIATING to the poor person saying this then you, if you've been “Insulted” in this manner or anything like it, like I have FAR to many times over now, and from my own family members. Even well meaning people and close friends can slip up like this. =-(! Especially if you become wearing on them. =-/! ) to tell someone this, and it's impossible for the other person to quit being who and what they are and how they are. ( On a side note, my poor Mom has a mentally handicapped sister and her family, school teachers etc. and even total STRANGERS would look at my Mom and tell HER to make her sister quit acting so “wrong” and to quit being retarded, “stupid” etc. . This was back in the 60's and 70's when using such language was, well it was the only words they had and they were used with all the cutting terrible-ness they imply today, so yeah. Not a great childhood for anyone involved there. =-(! )

But it DOES GET BETTER, slowly, ever so slowly and at times terribly, but it does get better. I've found even though it's not much of a consolation that all those “Ghosts” I was seeing, the flashing back, the feelings and the tactile feelings of being there instead of here; the night terrors and even night mares is all your mind trying it's BEST to figure it all out and make sense of it, put it behind and even initially at least incorporate it into your life; or figure out how it is part of your life and make sense of it in the reality you live in today, which CAN be starkly DIFFERENT, putting entirely different demands on you. This is what happened to me, I was suddenly expected to do and BE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT then the person I was before. Even to this day I am not the same person I was, but slowly ever so slowly over the years I have been getting back to who I was and the way I originally thought. The Adrenaline, tension, inability to sleep etc. has worn off and been replaced EXTREMELY SLOWLY by

softness, relaxation and ease, just wanting quiet and peace (unlike before when I NEEDED the EXACT OPPOSITE).

I've found for myself that it's your mind trying to figure out how to tie it to the here and now which you are experiencing. It seems to me that it's a survival mechanism and that it's almost as though those who are more intelligent, their minds just HAVE to make sense of the senseless, therefore the nightmares and all.

But that's just what I have figured out for myself at least.

I may have a broken mind and it's failing me now but it's still functioning as best it can and this story has been one of the many ways I have tried to make sense of my life experiences and what I've been through. Figure it out and put some purpose to it.

In the end I'm sorry for what you have been through and are going through, you're not alone and if you

OR ANYONE ELSE NEEDS TO TALK THEN CONTACT ME =-) As Red Green Said, “Were all in this together.” ;-)

Peace =-)

G.G. =-)

P.S. – IF YOU FIND THIS HELPFUL AT ALL THEN C O P Y T H I S!!! AND SPREAD IT AROUND! Put it n every website you know, link back to it, what have you!

I WANT-heck NEED this to be spread far and wide to help as many people as possible, whoever they are where ever they are.

I know some of it may be hurtful and I don't mean for it to be, I only mean to HELP and do my best to explain what I've been through and where I'm coming from, and through this SOOTHE HEAL and possibly do my best to get the word out, THAT OUR SOLDIERS AND OTHERS DEALING WITH PTSD and UNDIAGNOSED HEALTH AILMENTS ETC. NEED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, NOT CONSIDERED NUTS ( cause their NOT) and HELPED.

THANK YOU ALL =-)

(Also, if this story might help then spread it around, Oil http://archiveofourown.org/works/1347706/chapters/2811697

I hope it will do far more then just being stuck in the realms of Fan Fiction and read by only the few and far between, and then only those who are into that particular kind and type of Genre-Fan Stuff/SGA And if ANYONE AT ALL is willing I'd VERY MUCH like to turn this into an INDEPENDENT PUBLISHABLE STORY that I can get out there to help even more. =-) !

Heck I'd like to raise money and make it FREE for anyone wanting to read it, right now the only way that is possible is through this Fan Fiction site. =-) )

Love you all and go in peace G.G. =-)