Feb. 2nd, 2017
Though I may revisit what I say
I'll post it anyway
For each time I restate
Any item from my brain
it refrains the knowledge that I wish to keep
from being wiped clean like a slate
and each time I reiterate
silent knowledge, locked deep down inside
it pushes the boundaries of my mind
and gives just a bit more info. opening up the edge that much more
helping me explore and learn things I never have known before.
Through the power of my mind I'm trying to save my heart and soul
through my imagination I'm fighting, trying, vying, for that which does not exist
trying to paint escape on my existence
I'm losing I know, I'm losing I know
I'm letting go, learning to let go
of all these grains of hopes in my hands, in the palm of my soul
the answer I know, the answer I'm beginning to realize
that no matter how much I sparkle my own eyes, I cannot turn fiction into reality
oh god what calamity this spells for me!
Bullied to silence has been my soul
Crying out my pain
Shivering in the harassment from yesterday,
Frigid it terrorizes my soul,
voices haunt me with their calls
So I dare not show my countenance at all.
Suffocation this solitude
Safe and protective as an embrace
But with darkness so deep I can barely breath
In shame I've been fading
Can't let anyone see me bow down
to physical illness and depression so profound
I can not even shout,
Let the world know I'm about to check out.
So let my silence speak
the volume, depth & breadth of which
has never been seen
pouring out my soul
Silent images dancing across the screen
page painted with
poetic my speech
Summing up (my) existence and eternity
in one word
maybe a few
Drawing them out into lines of words
I've been so (physically) ill
(as of late)
I've become ethereal
surpassing my mortal being
and though my body may be collapsing
Like losing grains of sand
through the fingers of my hands
My mind is bursting with all I have to say
A mere breath sends it careening in a different –
All directions can't choose
Speak but a mere tip, trifle, from each one,
these are my swan songs
before I swan dive
trying with all my might to get out
a smattering of what's inside.
So through these silent renderings
Begging please, please, oh please
value and keep these words I paint
for you all this day,
for I have found,
that I can not take,
with out making these videos
For the world to see what I have to say.
So until I have the social acceptance and boldness to speak
I'll say my words this way.
And hope that you all read and understand
me well enough
to allow me to stay
I am silent soul,
crying out my pain,
darkness I have been down
and now that I've seen the light
I'm trying now to scream
In hopes of keeping myself
Suffocation this solitude
keeping myself safe from social society
terror it does rule me
cruel as a king
yet as safe as the soft loving embrace
protecting me from everything.
Through these writings
I hope to survive
I hope to live
I hope to even thrive
You may ask why
I'm doing these vwritings hoping they'll
keep me alive
I'm very ill and it's
taking its toll
on my body and being at times
I'm doing these writings hoping they'll
keep me alive
giving me hope, and joy and light
through the colors and beauty that are drawn and dance
before my eyes.
For in the days I can not get out of bed.
I cling to this art, I'm doing this to get the money
get the answers that I have
so dearly prayed.
For my whole life, through all
these tortured, thin thread
when I've nearly died.
Given up the fight,
and released the life,
with in this now disintegrating corpse,
So I cling to the source, the core
that brings me the breath of joy and light
the colors of art I'm able to make,
dancing before my eyes.
So through these writings
I hope to be kept forever alive
I hope to eventually
through all these things and needs
inside and surrounding me
I try to save my very beings core
through these hobbies I do hide
and now show you through these videos
I hope that you too can soar,
escape your situations and burdens
and be blessed as I am, or even more
via watching these
This vid. Adults ONLY
Written Mon. 1/18/2016
Written on bed, cat on lap < =-)!
just hit me NOW
I don't know what's wrong with me
being so ill,
I don't know how ill I'm going to get
the depths it'll reach,
out the other side of hell
or merely a trifle touch.
I don't know how long it'll last,
what it'll be next
or what will be affected
So I save up my life and vitality,
and let it explode out of me
while I'm well and alive
my body is able to move again.
I'm feeling so dead
Life sucked outta me again,
(this lifeline is growing short
this corpse is growing cold)
ghost, Ethereal, I'm becoming
Have no strength to clench my fists
grab onto the tendrils, the wisps,
(there's so much more to finish)
Is this the afterlife?
Or are these tears in my eyes?
What will everyone say if I suddenly pass-away and die?
Will they still be telling their lies?
Say it was all in my mind?
The symptoms I listed a billion times,
Instead of salvation they gave me
to cure my ills,
I do not mean to leave
To cause everyone to grieve
But like birth death comes,
(it's happening now)
and it's giving me death pains,
But as I fade away
I'm going out with the loudest shout,
(exhale, a mere whisper)
In the only way I know how,
through these small snippets,
my few accomplishments,
So please accept these
(which is me)
And be kind in what you speak,
For this is my soul
So double, triple, quadruple think before you comment or say
anything on this page
because I do not want to fade away in dismay
This had to do with some YouTube Videos I wanted to make which I'll never have the chance to do now. =-( I figured I'd go ahead and post this anyway, since it was in my poetry book.
I'm a very private and terminally shy person.
I take my privacy very seriously.
I don't want to be bothered or watched really.
I've been very sick for a long time now.
And thankfully it's gone in waves as I call it, where I'm sick for a while then well for a while.As if late my periods of being well have been what I call sickly.
I'm no longer truly restored, much less feeling good during the periods of being “healthy” so to speak.
And it's once again looking like I'm going down hill and I hopefully am not, I might be getting the call that my table is ready, so to speak. But I realized something, I realized that if I don't do this, make these videos, before I pass away then I'll die unsatisfied.
I finally had to face this, that I HAVE to do this.
So I'm making videos about all the stuff that I need to say, that's important to me. I just hope no one watches these. It'll save me from a ruined life and a whole lotta heartache.